May 26
The Battles Kids Rage
When I was a wee one living in back-water hick town America, my family was a bit more religious than it is now. By that I mean we actually went to church instead of putting it off. We were, as such, elected by people who did not want to clean the church, to clean the church. My parents begrudgingly accepted the job, but to us kids it was the coolest thing ever. We wanted to do it so badly.
Every Saturday we would anxiously await for our parents to announce we were going to clean the church; because at the tender age of however old we were, if we were outside our rooms, cleaning was the coolest thing ever. Just being old enough for my mother to hand me a broom made me feel like one of the big kids, one of the people the younger ones hid in a group from while idolizing them and mimicking their every move. I felt invincible.
Unfortunately one weekend, after a chorus of “Mommy can I dust?” “Mommy can I mop?” “Mommy can I vaccuum?” “Mommy can I sweep?” my mother was pushed to her limits, and ordered us to go play somewhere else in the church so she could go about her business. My brother and I took that as an invitation to wreak as much havoc as we pleased, and eagerly skittered away to find whatever we could use to fight with.
We had a ferocious battle, mop against broom, complete with stabbing and death and reincarnation into a bear with laser-eyes and everything. I think my mom may have started thinking we were getting a little too loud when we started making light-saber sounds by shouting during our reenactment of Star Wars, but caught me dragging the broom handle across my brothers throat saying in a gravelly and unidentifiable but unmistakeably foriegn accent, “I slit throats first, ask questions later.”
Our weapons were swiftly confisticated and we were scolded, told to remain silent. We sat in the room for a few minutes, glaring at the door that my mother had slammed when she left to go finish the cleaning, willing it to suddenly gain arms, legs, and the willpower to kill so that she would find our dead, mangled bodies on the floor, and regret ever leaving us defenseless against such an evil door. But that did not happen, and soon enough we gained a better idea.
I poked my head out into the hallway and looked both ways. When I saw nobody, I gave my brother the all clear and we silently slipped out the doorway and into enemy territory. We soon realized that this mission was much more dangerous than any we had ever undertaken before. We had to hide everywhere we could when our parents came by, and while our goal was to get to the primary room at first, we remembered our other two brothers were in there, and almost certainly would rat us out like the traitors they were should our parents question about our wherabouts.
We were stuck in hostile territory, with no safe place and very little time to complete our goal. We whispered into our watches like walky-talkies, arguing about whether or not we should abort the mission or not. But at the end, the verdict was clear. We had come too far to give up now. We knew the place inside-out, and if we wanted to disappear, we could do so with ease. We ventured forward, filled with the renewed feeling of bad-assery, ready to put our virtual super-powers to good use.
After many completely necessary detours and ducking into rooms to throw off the invisible ninjas that were surely following us, we had reached our destination, the baptisimal font. We ran down the steps and each selected a corner, huddling in them and whispering excitedly to each other, knowing that we were making our parents pay.
Ten minutes passed. We waited patiently, determined not to give up our mission. Ten more minutes passed. We were becoming a little unsure of how long we could remain on the cold tile floor. Five more. I was getting up, certain we were hopeless, and that we couldn’t complete this massive task. But then I heard it. The first call. The call that signified that my parents were finally done with all the cleaning duties that only grown-ups were capable of. It was time to go.
I quickly dove back into my corner and waited, waited for the panicking to begin. There was a second call, our parents probably thought we hadn’t heard them. And a third. And then a sound of a door opening, and softer calls. They were looking for us, but they couldn’t find us. After what seemed like eternity in our battle-hardened wisdom-filled minds, one of the doors above our heads opened, and we froze, holding our breath. Whichever parent it was stood there for a second and called our names, but we didn’t answer. If they had walked down the steps into the font, they would have seen us immediately. But they didn’t. We were home-free.
The door closed, and we heard muffled talking come from behind it. They both sounded pissed, and I almost giggled. Our plan was working. Then my father suggested that we might have gone outside to play on the huge hill our church was perched atop, and my mother uttered a few choice words that we certainly hadn’t known before, and they both walked off. My brother and I waited a few seconds to assure they had exited the building, and then scampered up and out one of the doors. Phase one was complete.
Phase two was much harder. We didn’t know when our parents would come back in. We didn’t know where our other two brothers were. They could be anywhere, lurking in the shadows, ready to sprint out the door and give away our position, effectively ruining all our plans with a few simple words. But we didn’t have time to be stealthy. My brother guarded my back, ready to fend off any invisible ninjas or their helper dinosaurs that they had probably recruited to track us down. I led the way, running through the hallways and taking the fastest path I could find to our destination. But something caught my eye, and I froze, letting my brother bump into me.
My father had come inside. He was heading towards us quickly. I slapped a hand over my brothers mouth, and dragged him behind a corner. I was almost certain that he had seen us, but I waited, not wanting to blow our entire mission if it was not necessary. His heavy footsteps headed towards us, impossibly slow, and he turned the corner. But in the other direction. He had not seen us in the hallway. We waited, not daring to breath, as he walked outside again, calling for us. As soon as the glass door swung shut we took off again, so close to our destination we couldn’t possibly fail.
I threw open the door to the primary room, and my brother slammed it shut behind me. We dove into the center of the room, where the toy cars we had brought to keep our younger brothers occupied lay scattered, obviously having suffered some horrible car wreck. We breathed a sigh of relief, we had done it. Our mission was complete.
Not even two minutes later, my mother threw open the door to the primary room, obviously checking here just as a last result, and saw us playing ever-so-innocently with the toy cars. She was furious. She yelled at us, and asked why we hadn’t responded to their calling. We replied with the best confused expressions we could muster up, saying, “But you told us to stay quiet!” She stared at us, non-blinking, for almost a minute, obviously too angry to muster up the ability to speak in a coherent fashion.
On the way home, we were confined to the backseat of the mini-van. I was sure we were going to die when we got home. But none of that mattered, we had won.
Apr 28
I have something to say
Alright, so today I will dispel a myth that I have probably started, and one that's been eating me up inside for a while. Now, in no way does this mean I will return to (almost) regular updates, but I might update every now and then.
A lot of people seem to be under the impression that my mother is a bad person. This isn't a huge, prominent issue, but it's still there. And the only reason it started in the first place is because the internet is the only place I have to, to put it crudely, bitch about stuff. It is truly the only place I have to complain to, and I take advantage of that. And while I haven't lied about anything, I haven't exactly talked about the good things that my mom's done for me.
She's really nice when she's well-rested and medicated, which is unfortunately not something that happens often, but it still happens. She's made it clear that I can talk to her, and while parents are usually the last people on Earth kids want to talk to about their problems, it's a nice gesture. And, something I can't believe I haven't mentioned before, she wrote a book for me. A whole book. 90,000 words and all. And, while it wasn't accepted by publishers, it was really good!
So, not a super-important thing to talk about, but something I think was needed to be done. Anyway, that's about it. One last thing, though, Due to my recent discovery of Hyperbole and a Half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/) I do feel like writing blog posts again. I can't promise regular updates, or anything coming anytime soon, but I don't think this will be abandoned forever. So there you go, hope that satisfies you, and hopefully something entertaining will be posted next time. Don't forget to comment, because I love the feedback so.
Dec 17
And So the Streak Was Broken.
What a surprise, I forgot to update again. But to make up for that, I will be writing a review today! Yes, it will most likely suck, because I am not good at writing reviews, but hopefully I’ll do okay.
Thankfully, it is now Winter Break for me, so I’ll probably be on MF a lot more! I’ve still got to do some overdue lessons for my school, hoo-freakin’-ray, but it’ll be a lot less than the regular amount of schoolwork. You guys better be posting more, too, because then I’ll actually have stuff to do here.
I guess we found out who we’ll be Secret Santa’s for, huh? I’m still thinking of what to get my person, but I’ve got a pretty good idea. And it will be a yummy idea. Unless they’re severely allergic to it, because that would be bad. It would just be a picture anyway, but still…
I don’t have that much to talk about this week. Um…well, as you guys know, I watch LP’s, and this week while fooling around on the internet I found out that people actually support a Chuggaaconroy/ProtonJon pairing, which I was laughing my butt off about, but then I saw a picture for it. It was very creepy. They are two REAL PEOPLE! Two real, very straight men! Come on guys, you’re actually drawing pictures for that? Geesh, humanity! That’s creepier than I am! And that is really saying something. *Shudder* 0_0
A couple days ago I found a website that is kind of like an online Photoshop, not nearly as good as it, and not good in the way of making avatars and signatures and such, but it’s actually quite good with just simple photo edits. It probably would have helped me a lot in the talent show, actually. It’s called picnik.com, and I have a lot of fun fooling around with it. It’s like an advanced version of Photobucket, I suppose. It doesn’t host images, but it actually is linked to Photobucket so you can upload your edited photos to it through there. It’s pretty neat.
And, good news, Curry could be coming back tomorrow! I miss him so much! I sure hope he doesn’t make us wait any longer.
Well, I honestly can’t think of anything else, so I guess you guys will just have to wait for me to write my promised review, huh? As always, leave a review, and maybe I’ll update on time next week! Wouldn’t that be GREAT?So, uh, see you next week!
Dec 10
Well would ya' look at that, two weeks in a row.
Who would have thought the day would come? So, apparently the nice little thing Hissae added to the forum that is supposed to PM people when they get blog comments no longer works, so I was not informed of people commenting on my blog a few weeks ago, and said guilt trip that I lay down in the last entry was undeserved. Well, I'm embarrassed now.
In response to those suggestions for special posts, however, I've already told you guys how to write an eight page Christmas list! You just make categories! Perhaps start off with a weapons section, then move on to technology, then video games, stuff like that. It's quite easy.
But you guys did give me an idea with your ignorance, *semi-troll face here*, to make a special Christmas-related post. It won't be nearly as long as the special Halloween one, but it will be filled with all the ornaments I've collected over the years. I neglected to take pictures of them tonight, though, and it takes FOREVER to upload these things onto my mom's laptop, unfortunately, so you guys are getting these at an unholy hour on Saturday. It still counts as Friday, though, because I haven't gone to sleep yet.So, let's get started!
This was my very first ornament, according to my parents, so I got it in 1998. It's the only yearly ornament of mine that doesn't have my name on it, but it's nice and pretty, so that makes up for it.
I also got this one back in '98, but after the ballerina one. I don't like this one quite as much, but it's a nice, really simple ornament that I still love.
And those two bought in '98 makes up for me getting nothing in '99, so we skip ahead to 2000 now. As you'll notice later, my parents had a thing for getting me angel ornaments.
This was my ornament for '01, and yes, it's an angel. It's a lot more breakable than it looks, however, and we've had to glue stuff on a lot more than you can really see in this photo.
Here's the one I got in '02, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this was gotten in later years and replaced a broken '02 ornament. Mostly because I don't remember seeing it until a few years ago. Ah well, it's still nice.
And so comes the last year when my parents choose my ornament instead of me. It's another angel one, as you can see.
This one is probably the favorite of mine that I've picked out, but it looks a lot better when it's turned around and you can see my name on it. I tried to keep the markings of my ornaments out of the pictures as much as possible, though, so I guess you guys don't get to see that nice angle.
We didn't get ornaments in '05, so here's the one for '06. I like the shape for this one, since I usually have an affinity for the regular balls (it's Christmas related, don't be "pervs" about that perfectly normal word.
This is '07's, and probably the least favorite of mine. We had to get the ornaments at Wal-Mart that year, so the selection was limited. As I said, I tried to keep the names out of the shot as much as possible, but that was the only side without any really noticeable chips in the paint. :/
Now this is one of my favorite, probably my second favorite. I was torn between one simple ornament in the regular ball shape that looked like it had snow inside it, and another really cool ornament that was pretty big with a glass Christmas tree that lit up and changed colors, but in the end I went for this one.
This one doesn't look too great on camera, but it's really pretty in real life, trust me.
This one is probably my third favorite ornament, and while it shows up pretty darn well on camera, it still looks a lot better in real life.
And here's this year's! GASP, a deviation from the ball shaped ornaments! A shocker!
I picked this one out in '03, but my grandma bought it for me instead of my parents. It's the first of a few special ornaments that aren't yearly stuff. I know I said that the '04 ornament was my favorite that I picked out, but this is my second favorite ornament of all. My first favorite ornament, however, you have yet to see.
I made this one when I was attending kindergarten. (Before I quit for homeschooling after the first semester, that is.) It was this set pattern that all the kids in the class made after watching Olive the other Reindeer, which is a Christmas special that is probably greatly glorified in my mind because of this ornament.
This one just barely made the special list, because I made it myself back in '09 with a couple pipe cleaners and a leftover piece of yarn. I think it turned out pretty well, but it isn't really as nice because it's just something I decided to stick on the tree one day.
My grandma came to visit for Christmas in '09, (yeah, another ornament from then), with four ornaments she made for each of us kids. This is mine.
And here's my favorite ornament of all! Given to me all the way back in '02, a friend of mine moved away to Nebraska (she came back a few months later, but I digress) and gave a few people in our kindergarten class this ornament. It's a really tiny, fragile ornament, and I always reserve a special spot near the back of the tree for it so that I can go back there and remember the nice times we had together at night. I know that four other exact copies of this ornament were given out, but this one is just so special to me because it's probably the best gift that anyone who isn't obligated to (a.k.a family) has given me.
And now, I get off for the night, because I am quite tired and have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow. Yeah, fun. XP So, I hope you guys enjoyed this special post, and see you next week!
Dec 3
Yeah, I remembered this week!
Maybe I should just change the update time to every other week, so that I’ll get bored and start posting every week. At least I have the excuse of last Friday being Black Friday to aid me this time.
I’m sure some of you have seen my comments about my life being pathetic or me saying that you guys are my only friends. It’s all pretty damn true, as you will find out if you keep reading. I’m a shy person in real life. Really shy person, in fact. I talk maybe five times a day, on a good day. I unfortunately tend to say really odd things when I do open my mouth, because whenever I’ve got something good to say I always think it over too much and by the time I’m sure that it isn’t something that will embarrass me it’s either too late or I’ve resolved the issue unintentionally in my head. When I say said odd things I still embarrass myself, though, and that causes be to be even quieter.
That’s okay when I’m just around my family, because I’m around them 24/7 and they’ve grown used to it. But when I’m around other people who aren’t so used to me I always feel really awkward because they all expect me to talk, so I’m even shyer. Basically, my self-esteem is shot, and I can hardly talk in real life because of it. When I’ve got the internet to hide behind it’s okay, because for some reason I type much faster than I think, but I’m screwed if it has anything to do with actual people.
Unfortunately my shyness attracts all the wrong people, who in this case are overly cheerful idiots who love to pry, and that’s where my case of “no friends in real life” comes from. I despise everyone who approaches me, and everyone who I’d actually be interested in making friends with are almost as shy as me, so we never actually talk. Sure, I had friends before, but I either lost contact with them when I moved to Texas, or they just stopped contacting me. In fact, someone who I used to consider my best friend didn’t actually try to talk to me all summer, and then suddenly emailed me in September, only to not talk to me again until a couple weeks ago. And even then it was only because Breaking Dawn was coming out soon and she wanted to see it with me because she didn’t want to break our “tradition”. What tradition, you mean the one where you supposedly really want to go with me but are apparently never able to? Yeah, that worked out just perfectly when the movie rolled around, so she doesn’t have to be worried about that tradition being broken.
This morning my mom was talking about how Les Misérables is coming to Dallas soon, and she wants to take me there. This is a great gesture and all, but I really don’t want to go to an Opera. She said if I don’t want to go it’s okay, but she’s so excited to go with me I don’t have any choice in the matter. It’d be like telling a kid that they can’t have their birthday this year. I don’t want to sit through however many hours of singing and trying to pretend to get into it, and who knows, I might actually like it, but when it starts off I won’t want to be there at all, and that will ruin the experience for me anyway.
Honestly, I never really want to go to stuff like movies anyway, and the only exceptions I make are for midnight premiers. Otherwise I’m practically forced into this stuff. I don’t want to sit in the dark staring at other people doing things when I get out of the house, I actually want to be doing stuff, because I don’t get to that often. It makes my day when I get to go to Wal-Mart or Taco Bell, for gosh’s sake! I don’t want to sit there, I want to at least be walking around and getting a chance to stretch my legs, since I get to do this so little! I don’t want to see something I can look up on the internet anytime I wish to, I want to actually get out there and do something worthwhile. I don’t think that my parents get that I don’t need to take a break, because I’m just sitting at the computer all day anyway. There’s nothing else for me to do unless I want to wander outside in my backyard for a little while. Of course, what am I thinking, that right there is the funnest thing in the WORLD to do!
I might sound like I’m being ungrateful, but this is all stuff that my parents or siblings want to do. I never actually get to do stuff that I want to do, unless it in some way benefits something my mom is trying to do at the moment. So I guess I’ll be going to the opera, no matter how much I really don’t want to, but hopefully my brother will decline the offer my mom extended to him and won’t want to go with us, so I at least get a break from him.
Wow, I think this may be (not counting my not-so-little guide to trick-or-treating, because that was a special thing) my longest blog post ever, so I have nothing to feel guilty about with leaving it off here. You guys didn’t leave a comment a couple weeks ago, even though I asked you to for your opinion on what I could do as another special post, so you guys need to feel guilty and leave the best damn comment you ever have now. Give me your thoughts, because I do enjoy reading them, and I will try my damnedest to update next week! (Really though, remind me, because we all know I’ll forget. XP ) See you (hopefully) next week!
Nov 19
Yes, I have returned.
Yes, I know, I’m a terrible person for missing another week. Let’s move on.
So, I’ve been watching my cousins all week long, and before now I never actually realized how horrific their house can really be to stay at. I couldn’t get on the computer after 9:00 PM at night, had to go to sleep at 9:30, didn’t know how to work their exceedingly complicated TV remote if I ever would have wanted to watch something, they didn’t have any books I was interested in reading, their dog is the most annoying thing I’ve ever been forced to spend my company with, and he’s a pretty big dog, so he could ram me over easily, the internet connection was absolutely terrible and I’m actually really far behind on schoolwork because of it, and I STILL haven’t gotten paid.
But you know what made all that crap I had to put up with worth it? They had a trampoline, and the most comfortable couch you could ever hope to have. They actually offered me a bed but I turned it down for that couch. I didn’t even need a pillow on there! And I loved the trampoline, since I really miss having one (my family had to sell ours when we moved to Kansas to Texas exactly four years ago today :/ ), and it’s really nice to just bounce around for a while lost in my thoughts. I learned how to just tune everything out and retreat into my own little world without the aid of books while there, which was really nice as well.
Not that I’m not still positively pissed about all the stuff I mentioned before, but it was still a pretty nice time there. I was only watching my three year old cousin during the day, so it was nice and quiet when I wanted to rage by jumping on the trampoline. Of course, that dog liked to bark at any plane and squirrel within a three mile radius, so that interrupted my peace, but I suppose I just can’t win with this stuff.
So I’ve decided to do something. I’m really ashamed of myself for missing another week so close to the last time I missed one, but when Friday’s come around I really am at a loss for what to say a lot, so I’m hoping you guys will give me ideas for this. I have a lot of fun writing special blog posts like my trick-or-treating guide, but I don’t have any ideas for that stuff so if you guys could come up with something you’d like to see from me that would be great.
Anyway, as I mentioned earlier we moved to Texas exactly four years ago tonight, and it’s kind of become our tradition to go out to a frozen custard place on the anniversary for when we moved here, since we went to it the night we moved here. Unfortunately, we forgot about it last year, and my parents went out with a friend tonight (apparently we forgot again), so I just called my mom about that. I feel like I just guilt-tripped her into coming home, but I really hope she doesn’t feel bad about forgetting again, since everyone else did too. I don’t know why I’m telling you people this, but it’s always nice to have something to talk about, right?
Finally for tonight, I just had to download GIMP, since Photoshop seems to have been closed out of, and I can’t find a download for CS4. I know that GIMP isn’t as good as Photoshop because there are some tools that Adobe copyrighted, and I really hope I won’t be missing anything with it. Because I really do enjoy making all my avatars and, recently, signatures, and I hope that I’ll be able to continue making stuff like that. So far the design is a little odd to me, but if I can figure out Photoshop, surely I can figure out this.
And on that note, I will stop writing for your pleasure. Make sure to leave a comment down below about any special blog posts you’d like to see from me, and I’ll try my damnedest to get a blog up next week!
Nov 6
Hey, at least I didn't miss an entire week again!
So, I hope you guys enjoyed this special blog entry, and don’t be expecting anything as special next week!
Arg, sorry I didn’t update yesterday. That’s what I get for being lazy. But hey, at least it’s being updated and we aren’t skipping another week! Right?
….RIGHT?
So my brother’s friend came over today…is STILL over in fact…and my gosh do I hate that boy. Every time he comes over there is screaming and jumping and high pitched sounds for until he leaves. Not to mention he’s the rudest little bastard I’ve ever seen. He always (of course, with my brothers right in tow) barges right into my room while they’re running around and screaming, and when I finally work up the courage to survey the damage it’s horrible. Of course, I’m left to clean it up while they continue running throughout the house. You can tell my parents are just as annoyed as I am, but they’re probably refraining from saying much because they want Ethan to have a friend. It’s great that he has a friend, but why does it have to be HIM?! He always makes this huge mess that everyone but him is left to clean up! He keeps taking all the treats in the house! He and my brother stay up gosh-knows-how late laughing at what they think is a quiet level and chasing themselves around our game room! In fact, the only think I like about that boy is that he has SSBB and could bring it over, but even then he says he doesn’t want to! COME ON! What could POSSIBLY be SO HARD about bringing a game over? HUH?!
I think his parents go easy on him when it comes to manners and behavior because he’s got Cerebral Palsy, but apparently it’s really mild and doesn’t really affect him much. Just because the kid is a little sick doesn’t mean you should let up on discipline! My brother has Asthma, and he isn’t given a break! And apparently us four kids are pretty well-behaved because of the good discipline. I dunno’, maybe we really ARE well-behaved, and he’s normal. Of course, if he IS normal, then most kids in America are growing up as rude little brats.
Well, I guess Halloween is over. My house feels so bare now that we’ve taken down the decorations. :ermm: But hey, at least Thanksgiving is on the way! I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about it by now, but my mom makes the best mashed potatoes EVER (no exaggeration), and she always makes a bunch of them on Thanksgiving! Meaning I get to peel a bunch of potatoes!
Another good thing about Thanksgiving, I get to make a cheese ball to keep everyone out of the food before dinner (or lunch, whatever it should be called, but I guess that Thanksgiving is the one time of the year when saying breakfast, dinner, and supper isn’t stupid, but I digress), and trust me if you’ve never had a homemade cheese ball, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. Not filling AT ALL, but delicious.
This week since we’re getting into the later part of Fall I started going back onto a website I found last year called snowflakes.barkleyus.com. It lets you make your own snowflake, like you do with folding paper and cutting, but this one is MUCH easier to use, since you don’t have to saw through paper with scissors or try and control the scissors without destroying stuff.
And another one:
Trust me; it looks better when you’re cutting them out. They just save weird and blue so it’s kind of hard to look at them and think, “Wow, that snowflake looks cool and un-pixilated!”
So, I think that’s enough for today, and I promise to try to update on time next week! Don’t forget to leave a review, and I’ll see you guys with more stuff to talk endlessly about next Friday!
Oct 29
Halloween Special!
Sorry for missing last week’s update! But did you honestly expect my train of perfect updates to continue?
Really?
Reeeeeeeeeeally?
Are you suuure?
…That’s what I thought. Anyway, since it’s so close to Halloween (it’s Monday, folks!) I thought I’d do something special! Now, I’m sure most of you aren’t dressing up and going door to door begging for candy this year, but that’s just because you suck. For all you AWESOME people out there, have fun reading my guide to trick-or-treating! All my experience has been packed into this one amazing blog post! May this year be fruitful with the wonders of chocolate and artificially flavored goodness for you.
Part 1: Candy
Now, I’m sure you remember how some houses give out those not-so-fun-sized candy bars, how others give out the cheap stuff like Smarties and Dum-Dums, and the worst that give out toothbrushes and apples. So I’ve compiled a list of the best and worst candies, because this information will become quite useful later. Make sure to go through your neighborhood beforehand and mark which houses are giving out what types of candy.
Top Five Best Candies:
1. Candy Bars
And I’m not just talking about the fun sized (or not so much) candy bars, I’m talking about the kind of candy bars the nice old couple down the street give out. There’s at least one in every neighborhood, and if you’re lucky, two or more. The tell-tale signs of the house of the nice old couple is either a big blow up Halloween decoration, usually a cute ghost or pumpkin, or some fake tombstones with funny epitaphs. Something they can stick outside their house and forget about.
2. Soda
You may be thinking “Wait a second, I would love having soda over candy!” but YOU ARE WRONG. The whole point of Halloween is to go out, steal candy from strangers, and stuff your face until you’re sick. Soda is not candy, and therefore is not qualified to be no. 1 on the list. Soda is found at the same houses as the candy bars, and you will usually be given a choice between the candy and the soda. BUT! If you are friends with the nice old couple, then they will give you both when you act like a sweet well-mannered angel. And even if you are not friends, ask for a soda for your sick little brother.
3. Fun-Sized Candy Bars
Well, they really aren’t fun. How are they fun if they’re tiny? But I digress. They are chocolate and usually caramel-filled, and Halloween wouldn’t be complete without ‘em. You can find these bars at the houses of either Halloween enthusiasts in their early twenties or those with toddlers in their early thirties. The decorations for the early twenties Halloween enthusiasts will usually be scarier, zombies or things of the sort, perhaps with a mood being complete by a strobe light or a fog machine. The homes of the early thirties parents of toddlers will most likely have a couple of carved pumpkins with silly faces, a scarecrow, and some sort of Halloween wreath.
4. Fun-Sized Fruity Candy
These are things like Skittles, Dots, and Starbursts. All delicious treats, but they never quite deliver the punch that chocolate does, which is why they have a separate group. These can be found at the houses of the parents of toddlers in their early thirties, but not the Halloween enthusiasts in their early twenties because any good enthusiast knows that chocolate is really what Halloween is all about.
5. Halloween Versions of Fun-Sized Candy
You may think that these would be better than the regular fun-sized things, but in all honesty they’re just a cheap marketing ploy to drag in the gullible ones that are trying to be fun (but failing). They’ve got some sort of “ghostly” Halloween theme on the wrappers and they never come in full-sized candy bars. These can usually be found at the houses of single women in their mid-thirties, whose houses can be identified by the decorations found at the Halloween enthusiasts’ house, but they will be sparse and less planned out than the enthusiast.
Ah, wasn’t that nice? All filled with memories of coming across those great candies in your little plastic pumpkin? Well, prepare for those to be obliterated, because I’ve got the WORST FIVE list coming up. But these won’t be in groups like the last list, because the good candies can be argued over, but if they are put in groups everyone can agree. The worst ones, however, cannot be put into groups, for the simple reason that there are luckily not too many of them found on Halloween. Also, this one will be counting down, because it’s better to find out the worst than the best last in case you won’t agree.
Top Five WORST Candies:
5. Pixie Stix
Now you’ve all heard of that story where a father put poison into the Pixie Stix of his eight year old sons and friends and then stapled the tops back on before putting them in their pumpkins, right? You haven’t? Well, that’s one more thing to be worried about this Halloween.
4. Smarties
Oh, what, you don’t think these are that bad? Then you are an idiot! They’re all powdery and the texture is horrible, and you slide one of the little disks into your mouth to try to eat it and when you chew it the thing breaks apart and tastes like dust, but when you try sucking on it little parts of it come off and slide against your teeth! And for those with sensitive teeth like me, that is hell. Not to mention these things don’t taste that good in the first place. They come in different PASTEL colors (way to grab children’s attention) and taste like watered-down sugar. Bleck!
3. Sweet Tarts
To begin, they aren’t sweet, only tart! Which I don’t mind so much (in stuff like Lemonheads and Warheads), but that’s just false advertising! Not to mention they’re little tablets, like Smarties, but with a gritty texture and it feels like you’re trying to eat tiny rocks. There’s not much to say about these, expect that THEY ARE HORRIBLE.
2. Healthy Crap
Now I know I said I wouldn’t do groups, but this one just has to have one. Who wants to get an APPLE on Halloween? What about a toothbrush? A PENNY?! Thank you sir, I promise your house won’t be the one I egg later.
1. Those Awful Peanut Butter Flavored Things
You’ve heard me talk about these before, and it should come to no surprise to you why they’re at the 1. Spot. They’re chewy, hard to swallow, wrapped in PAPER, and peanut butter flavored, things that should NEVER go together in candy. But this goes beyond the boundaries of just plain bad; it shrouds itself in orange and black wrappings, sometimes with Jack-O-Lantern faces, and tricks the nice old people that DON’T give out the full-sized candy bars and sodas into buying them thinking that the trick-or-treaters will love them. And then when you come across them during your candy binge later Halloween night when everyone has stopped trick-or-treating you don’t stop to think about what you’re putting in your mouth and a few seconds later you realize it’s too late and it’s horrible peanut buttery-ness has tricked you into having to chew and swallow the thing, something that, thanks to the chewy-ness, will put you back at least twenty seconds on your hurried shoveling of candy into your mouth. That precious, precious time lost allows thoughts of the sweetness and sugar high that you’ve come down from to seep in, and soon enough you’re pushing your bucket away thinking that you’ve had enough. It’s more evil than Voldemort and Hitler combined, and when you find it being put in your bucket you need to toss it back at whoever put it there. They obviously deserve to die.
Part 2: Houses
Houses are one of the most important aspects of trick-or-treating, because you can’t knock on cave entrances and cardboard boxes are just sad. You go from house to house stealing candy, but if you really want to get things done quickly and efficiently giving you more time for more candy throughout the night, then follow these instructions.
Remember what I said earlier about the specific house decorations you could interpret to find which houses are the best for trick-or-treating at? Well, the morning of Halloween, grab a pencil and notebook and head out to mark which houses have which decorations! Just create a very basic map with lines and squares and have a little system-whether it be words or indecipherable symbols-to show what the houses have and which to head to! The old couple will likely run out of treats quickly, so it’s always nice to know where they are.
I’m not saying that you should plan your route ahead of time, but if you’ve got a map of which houses will probably have the best candy then it’ll make your life a lot easier and you’ll find yourself with a lot less Smarties. And if you do wish to plan out a route, all the more to ya’, but it takes out the fun when you’re on a set path.
Trick-or-treating isn’t confined to solely houses, though, because restaurants often hand out coupons (though rarely candy) if you want to have real food along with your candy! Take some time out of your night to drive around town to all the local McDonalds before heading back after that nice break to get back in the game!
Part 3: Tips
So you’ve marked your map and sorted out where to go first, but what about the finer details? You see, a lot of the fun of trick-or-treating comes from running around and filling up as fast as you can, but if you want to get as much candy as humanely possible then I’ve got some tips for you.
I’m sure you remember the restaurants thing, well, use that time you take to go there to your advantage! Trick-or-treating really picks up around 6:00-8:00, so start out at 5:00 and then when you see a bunch of kids all around you then head on out to the restaurants! That may take a little shorter or longer than you think, but as long as you get back sometime 8:00-8:50 you should be good. Then after you’ve gotten back, keep on going until 9:30 when people are usually out of candy and will stop answering the door.
And trust me, you definitely don’t want to go with a group or stick around during the busy hour. Too many kids together or one after another will make the person handing out candy feel panicked and make them think they’re running out of candy too fast, resulting in them giving out a measly one at a time. If you head out early then they’ll still feel generous, and when you get back out later they’ll be giving it away by the handful to get rid of the rest! (Because adults are more health-conscious then us kids and will probably think they don’t have the strength to resist all the leftover candy.)
Of course, if you’re really hard-core about your candy then go out with an unmemorable costume and a generic mask, and then head back to the best houses that you remember later with another mask. Or swap out costumes with ones you had last year. You can do this a couple times before completely collapsing, unless you move to a different neighborhood during the six to eight rush, come back to your neighborhood for seconds, go back over to the last neighborhood with a different costume, then come back to yours with the different. It’s really hard to do that, but with strategic timing you can pull it off great.
Did you get more crappy candy then you expected and you have a younger, more gullible sibling? Consider trading out with them, say, two Sweet Tarts for a fun-sized Milky Way and so forth. He’s more gullible and trusts you (for the time being), and all the years of hate received from him for the crappy way you treated him as a child will be all worth it when you remember the mounds of glorious chocolate you got!
You have one tiny pumpkin and tons of candy from using the above tips, of course, so carry around a pillowcase with you and when you start getting full dump most your candy into the pillow case and hide it nearby when you go up to different houses! It helps to have a secret spot behind some bushes or with a parent so that you can go to several houses without having to come back for the case each time. And with less candy the treat-givers will take more pity on you and give more!
If you truly need to take a parent with you, take the more easy-going parent. Most people will say leave mom behind and take dad, because the former will focus more on manners and the latter will respect the quest to get as much candy as possible, but I find for me it’s the exact opposite. Make your choice wisely and don’t follow the generic online crap you hear.
Take an extra bag for a sick sibling. It isn’t hard, and unless people know you well in your neighborhood then they need not know that said sibling doesn’t exist. Take a younger sibling as well, get them to vouch for you and split the candy with them later. (Don’t worry, you can just give them all the bad candy.)
Following that notion, take a little sibling along! That will keep you looking young enough for trick-or-treating for at least a couple more years.
So, I hope you guys enjoyed this special blog entry, and don’t be expecting anything as special next week!
Oct 15
Why do I have to name these, again?
Third week in a row! REJOICE!
Last night I made some dinner, and I got it done, a vegetable made to go with it, and got the table all set up. My mother got home early so I set a place for her, too. All the drinks were poured, I had servings dished out for the two younger brothers, and everything was looking really freakin’ nice. Then I go into my parents’ bedroom, and said dinner was ready. They said “Okay” and shooed the brothers that were watching TV with them off to eat dinner. I asked if we could have a family dinner, because we haven’t had one in a LONG time, and they said “Not tonight.” I spend all that time getting everything ready for stuff for them to blow me off for The Middle. Yeah. Wonderful parenting there. So I’m standing there, my heart crushed, and tears welling up in my eyes and they don’t even notice. Either I’m the best freakin’ person ever at hiding true feelings, or they haven’t thought to look at me for more than two seconds lately.
And it wasn’t even just then, my mother can say some really hurtful stuff and not even care to apologize that she made me go up to my room and sob because of it. And she’s always wrong about her accusations! I watched the end of Toy Story 3, and LAUGHED. So you know what she says can really hurt. My dad always has to butt in and say, “I think she meant this…” and she just rolls her eyes and walks off like I’m not right there crying. Not to mention right after my brothers always seem to sense that I need a moment, so they come into the room immediately and start being as annoying as humanely possible.
Keeping on the subject of annoying brothers and family dinners, tonight I got some dinner made and my dad decided to sit with us for the first time in forever. I love his presence, but it always makes my brothers act like complete idiots who think they’re the funniest people in the world. Particularly tonight, when they wouldn’t shut up for two seconds to actually start eating. And when my dad told them to say thank you to me for making them Hamburger Helper and green beans (the way I make ‘em is apparently great, so they all really love them) they all acted like sarcastic little brats and said thank you like it was a burden. Thanks ya’ little bastards, I worked for TWO HOURS on this stuff to give your sorry little butts sustenance. I really appreciate that you at least graced my presence with your wonderful jokes and loud screaming. Of course, I don’t mind that every little nice thing I’ve ever done for you is treated like a joke. Yeah, thanks.
Sorry I haven’t been posting much this week, but thankfully I’ve been getting a lot of overdue schoolwork done in that time. So I’ll be able to post a lot more next week. Hopefully. XP Though I was told that my folktale seems kind of like Coraline, but I guess that isn’t too bad since it’s a great movie. I recommend it to those who aren’t absolute wimps when it comes to giant spiders. (That means you’re staying away from the ending of IT too. Give a couple seconds to let that sink in.)
By the way, thank you Curry! Your donation is much appreciated! For all those (you know, all two of ya’,) who read my blog besides him, he made a very generous donation of $30 and has earned his much-deserved Donator’s rank. Unfortunately this means he gets to see the Halloween Games beforehand, and I can no longer torture him. Curses. But I shall honor him with this cake that I DIDN’T eat beforehand!
Okay folks, that seems like a good length for this week. Once again, thank you Curry! I sure hope you guys comment. I tend to go the girl direction and think you all hate it when no one comments. And that, of course, eventually leads to thoughts of suicide…so no pressure!
Oct 8
Not again! YOU LIE!
I’m updating on time AGAIN? MADNESS!
Okay, so yesterday I hear my mother talking on the phone with a friend/family member that we haven’t seen in a while, describing how us children are doing. One little thing, (this first thing has been discussed many times in previous posts) brother #1 isn’t the sweetest, shyest little thing, he is the only guy with PMS. Brother #2 is not very anal about how things should be done, but gets them done faster than anyone else, unless being an absolute Control Nazi with an idea that everyone has to worship and do his work for him. Brother #3 is ABSOLUTELY NOT a sweet, happy little boy either. Brat is more appropriate. Finally, last time I checked I ain’t that innocent. Haven’t been since I was six, thank you blatant living room sex! (Of course, I had no idea what they were doing until I was nine. I’ve had nightmares about it every second Wednesday of the month since. *Shudder*)
My dad has been staying home a lot lately because, well, some idiot managed to twist their words just so that they got him fired. Thankfully everyone feels terrible about doing so, it was just company procedure and had to be done, but a bunch of the people in the building are writing references for him, including the BUILDING MANAGER. I don’t know if you know this or not, but that is f***ing huge. (My mothers words, not mine.) But while having him home is kinda’ nice, I’m not sure about it. Everything seemed much cleaner and under control when it was just me, and I feel terrible about saying that, but it is the truth. I’m the one making dinner in a rush because he said that he was going to make someone and I trusted him a little too long, and telling my brothers to get moving because it’s almost time for my mom to come home and the house is a pit, AND I think I’M teaching him how to understand pre-algebra, not the other way around. Thankfully I have to make lunch a lot less and I’m not under so much stress to make sure lessons get done and brothers don’t kill each other, but I (once again, feel terrible for saying this) will probably feel better once he’s employed again. For purely selfish reasons, let me assure you.
So, as you know, the Halloween Games were announced this week! A couple of you guessed it beforehand thanks to my obvious hints, but I like to think that most of you were so shocked your socks were able to reveal their true nature, steal all your valuables, and escape to Mexico before you stopped staring at the screen in shock and joy long enough to realize they also gave you a wedgie while betraying you. This is basically my chance to show you how many fun stuff I’ve come across through the years, (all three of them that I knew Google existed, I mean) as well as test your skills at beating the crap out of the competition. Be prepared (teehee) to amuse me as I watch you all battle it out for the cookie with the most M&M’s in it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And no Curry, I will not tell you the games now. Stop asking.
Finally, a special shout-out to Jendo (whom I would be honored to read my blog) for making me my amazing new signature! I love it so much! Seriously, I made a freakin’ Twilight fangirl squeal when I saw it for the first time. (And you know it was great, because I like to hide that part of my life to keep what little respect you people have for me.) Thank you so much! I really, truly love it!
See you guys next week! And I promise, this trend of punctuality will probably not continue! I’m just too damn lazy! (Wonderful way to end this. It’s like I just stopped in mid-sentence like the finale of The Sopranos. I bet you all would kill me if I di-)
| 2:34 AM Jun 19 |
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